As noted in my last post, A Promise To My 40 Year Old Self Part 1, 40 is creeping up on me fast. Still not anxious about it. Still just happy to be invited to the party. Still just a bit concerned about how I got to 39 so fast and what I am going to do to enter 40 like a diva.

So here I am. I have been reflecting a lot. Mostly on how I have lost myself and have been drifting along in survival mode for too long. I am guilty of pushing myself to the side and saying, “Maybe tomorrow Copper” too many times. Years have gone by where my goals never change and my to do list never gets checked off. I am making a stand and taking me back. It may not all happen before December 29th and that is okay. Some of it will be a continuous effort on my part. Some of it is deep stuff. Really personal stuff that I struggle with. Some of that I won’t be making public. And some of it is superficial and I make no excuses for that. That superficial stuff that I have allowed to pile up weighs a ton on my shoulders and I am ready to be done with that. Some of it will change. As I go along, things may be replaced by others. Perspective is ever-changing, as is our circumstances, and my priorities shift day-to-day.

The Original 40’s Bucket List

1. One of my biggest goals for this year is this blog. I really want for this to become something. What that is, I don’t know but I really want it. It is an outlet for me. And I want it to grow. It is a lot to take in and will be a long process though. I have to learn to be more open. I have to learn how to navigate the blog world. I have to learn to be more diligent with my writing. I have taken some big leaps in the last few months and will continue to do so in order to feed this part of myself and maybe even make it into something that benefits my family.
2. My physical health. I do not focus too much on this number but I am currently at the heaviest weight I have ever been and it is starting to affect me in multiple ways. I lost track of my healthier lifestyle, moved to a different state, and went off a tough medication all within a 2 month period and it has really hurt me. I do not like the way I feel and I do not like the way I look. I don’t have a number in mind but I would love to see myself healthier. I will not be starving myself, cheese and beer are my best friends, but I am open to healthier life choices. I am looking forward to finding my groove again with physical activity. I know what I love, it will just be a matter of making time for me.
3. My mental health. Full disclosure. I suffer from a wee bit of depression and a shit ton of soul sucking anxiety. The medication I was on for it was effective but a little too much for my liking. I don’t want the anxiety but at the same time, I want to care about things. I didn’t have that on my meds so I went off them. Cold turkey. Not my best decision but not my worst. It has been a rollercoaster and I need to get it in check. I don’t know what the answer to this is but trust me, I will find it.
4. Parenting. I want to be better. This is tricky. It is about someone else, three little people, but being their mother is my job and I want to be able to say that I did the best I could. I do all right now. My kids are pretty cool. Not giant a-holes. They wear clothing like 75% of the time. They eat veggies and fruits. 1 1/2 of them can wipe their own butt (okay we are working on improving that number). They know they are loved. But we are headed into some interesting times. School. Friends that aren’t siblings. THE PRE-TWEEN YEARS. It is about to get hard and I want to be ready for it.
5. Being a wife. Again, it involves someone else but it falls within my realm of self-care. Did you know that Moose and I have been married almost 20 years? Marriage isn’t always a fun ride but we have stuck it out and I feel like we are in a good place. But there is always room for improvement and I want that. Two of our biggest downfalls is a)communication (duh) and b) we do not make time for ourselves, like ever. I feel like we are finally falling into a place where life is less of a struggle to survive and we can start to focus on these.
6. Saying no. This has been my biggest improvement so far. Learning to say no. I am guilty of overwhelming myself to please others and I am not doing it anymore. The past year, I have really made an effort to not say yes to every little thing. Not to Moose and the kids. Not to work. Not to volunteering. Not to friends and family. It has made a big difference on my stress level and I have really noticed that I can give more to everything that I do say yes to because I am not so overbooked. If I have said yes to you, know that I really want to. But also know that if I say no, it isn’t personal. It is just a case of I can’t right now.
7. Coming up with a serious life plan. This just doesn’t any explanation. I need some direction. Period.
8. This one is very superficial but so important. I need more me. I am so guilty of putting everything ahead of myself and I am ragged, inside and out. I want to do things I want to do. I want to write. I want to paint. I want to buy books. I want to decorate my house. I want to take vacations. I want to grow. I want all of this and  I WANT NEW UNDERWEAR. Seriously this one right here. Before I turn 40, I want a grip on this. Everything I own is old, stained, ripped, doesn’t fit right, not from the last decade. Nobody has done this to me. I do it to myself. I do not treat myself and it shows. I will own new clothes. I will get more pedicures. I will pluck my eyebrows more and moisturize religiously. I will stop treating myself like someone who doesn’t deserve to feel good about herself. In the words of Donna Meagle, it is time to… 

Okay, there ya go. We will see where this goes and I will touch on this subject often. Please feel free to let me know what you think. I would love to know if you think about what you want to change or if you have any “Before I turn ____, I want to ___” revelations.

Now I have to go deal with the repercussions of locking myself in the office for an hour during Spring Break. It sounds like Lord of the Flies out there and I don’t want to but before Red gets hog tied and roasted above a campfire in the living room, I am going to make some sammies and pirate booty.