Remember Me?
I haven’t been writing. Or even thinking about writing. My social media is dusty and so is my camera bag. I have been absent. My bad. Sorry. It has been so bad that when my renewal came up this summer, I almost didn’t do it. I wasn’t sure if the money spent was worth it anymore. I am still not entirely sold but Past Copper must have known that Future Copper would drag her feet and set it up for automatic renewal.
I have seen a lot of posts on Facebook lately about the stress of seeing everyone else’s perfect life on social media. Spoiler alert: their lives aren’t perfect, that shit is as filtered as their car selfie on Instagram. I guarantee they cry in the shower as much us normies do. Their kids act like jerks at restaurants. Their beach vacations are more bickering than basking. Their husbands also spend 45 minutes on the toilet playing World of Warcraft while they clean up from dinner and put the kids to bed at the same time. So please stop comparing yourself to them, okay?
Lost Goals
It was never my intention to be one of those #blessed blogs. I started this because our life is messy, loud and I needed proof for future reference. Or court dates, whatever. However, despite my intentions, I think my mindset drifted that way on accident. To the extreme. I have found myself struggling to find happy things to write about or silly pictures to post. I have caught myself several times thinking, “I should post that.” but then the other voice pipes in with, “Nah, it isn’t funny. Why bother, no one will laugh.”. Then instead of finding something funny or pretty or delicious to post, I stay in my pajamas for days and re-watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine for the 80th time.
So you are just not hearing from me. My rose colored glasses are scratched to hell and it is really messing with my vision lately. Well for quite a long time now. So, I am not being open and honest with you or myself and I regret that. I am doing us all a disservice by staying quiet unless I have something nice to say. I apologize. So here are some not so shiny truths.
My Current Truths
Have I been happy? No, not really but through no fault of anyone or anything. Are the kids suddenly angels who speak only when spoken to and never step out of line in public? Hell no. They are a hot mess. Is my focus on something bigger? Please refer to above statement about pjs and binging Netflix. Am I just busy being an amazing mom, wife and friend? The phrase mediocre on a good day comes to mind. Is being an expat just so delightful and easy that I have nothing to write about? Being an expat is isolating, challenging and the hardest thing I have done since convincing Red that wearing pants will not kill him. I am not so sure on some days if I would even recommend it to my worst enemy.
Am I clearly on the wrong side of my depression/anxiety and unable to focus? Yes. Is the robbery still weighing very heavy on me? Absolutely yes. Someone stole almost everything we owned. That fact sits in my chest 24/7. Do I want to go home? Yes. Or stay away? Also yes. Do I suck at multi tasking? I burned bacon while writing this and I am right next to the oven. Am I tired? Constantly. Do I want to put some pjs on right now and see what Jake Peralta is up to? Kinda, yeah.
What Now?
The purpose of this whole thing was never just to make you laugh, that was just a bonus. It was suppose to be honest insight. I fully accept responsibility for drifting from that and remaining silent when it wasn’t sunshine and rainbows. I will promise to do better by you if you promise to see past the #blessed filters out there and stop comparing your happiness to their #lies. Pinky promise?
Hang in there, Copper. Adulting is hard! And you are doing it next level with expating with kids added on for an extra level of difficulty! You’re doing great. As someone who also battles anxiety and depression, I feel you on the pjs and Netflix, always sleepy and distracted, and unable to multitask. You’ve got this. Just keep doing you … no one does you better than you. Showing us the real life you makes us all feel better! We don’t need sunshine and rainbows. We all need to see that we’re not the only ones who struggle. Thanks for being honest. Sending hugs of encouragement!
Vicki, I appreciate you following me more than you will ever know! Thanks for your words of support, they mean the world to me.
My lady friend! I miss you so much!!! It sucks that we live thousands and thousands of miles apart. But you are one of the strongest women I know!! You weren’t put here on this earth to make people laugh….it just comes naturally. I love the part about every else’s “perfect life”. You couldn’t me more correct. I’m so tired of seeing posts of perfect vacations, perfect homes, perfect families. It just isn’t real. But you are! And I appreciate you and your friendship more than you know!! Hang in there….and know that you are loved!!
I love your realness so much, Copper. I think your blogs make everyone who reads them feel like it’s ok to not be sunshine and rainbows all the time. Keep doing you, you’re amazing at it.
The number one reason why I, and I’m sure many others, love you so much is for your ability to avoid the fake bullshit. You always try to keep your chin up but sometimes chin down in a box of ice cream is better. You’re important to a bunch of people 😘
Love, love, love this! Life is hard, raising kids is hard, being a mom, working, being a spouse, all hard! I love that you keep it real! It makes me feel better knowing that there are others out there that struggle too. Hang in there! Thanks for sharing.